sometimes

when things are going decently well, you think everythings going to be alright and that you can avoid all the crappy things. as long as you be more cautious and stay more guarded and not put yourself out there, you think you can prevent any of the hurtful stuff- you become so painfully confident.

never again, never again, never again. you're determined.

but then like a wave that you can't dodge your way out of, it comes and leaves you gasping for air.

it's funny how you spend so much time building up these walls that you think no one can ever get through... and then when it becomes time to let it down, it's almost impossible, physically painful, to let anything in.

you even find yourself pounding and screaming at it at the top of your lungs, wondering why it won't fall. and you're just left out of breath and your mind scattered all over the ground.

scrounging around for just a taste again.

oh so emo.

never again.





the streets- dry your eyes

so then I move my hand up from down by my side
it's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
there's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
it weren't supposed to be easy, surely
please, please, I beg you please
she brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
she wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
she peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
by pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers

pre side note: 6 hours ago, i was telling my co-worker how i used to love venting through blogs and writing. i've realized this past while and a bit, that i miss it immensely.

anyways, here's what i've got...


this past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences.

i've been challenged, pushed, hopeful, and forced to look into more than what's just "there"- it's been a ride i've wanted out of every day.

'cause when you realize that you're moving out of your status quo and comfortable life, you run the risk of figuring out who you really are. you know, underneath all the crap and baggage... and in that risk, you find that maybe you aren't all you built yourself up to be. it can suck and hurt.

despite this, i've had more than enough moments these past few months where my life has narrowed down to the simple things and i can safely say, it's been worth it all.

i recently read this book titled "through painted deserts" by donald miller (i usually hate reading autobiographies/memoirs, but i loved "blue like jazz", so i decided to give this one a chance). anyways, in this book, donald and his friend decide to take a 3 month road trip with minimal essentials. after several weeks of hardcore hiking and traveling, they find themselves having a conversation about food. at this point, they've binged on nothing but beans and bread. donald's friend responds, telling him that he would want nothing more than a bowl of raisin bran cereal. then they both continue on with their conversation, saying how funny it is how just a few months earlier, their needs and wants were focalized on cars, money, and a wife, but at that very moment... their desire and one need in life had amounted to a bowl of raisin bran cereal.

i guess i wanted to express this because i found that this half a page in this particular book, seemed to sum up so much of my life at this point in time. the questions of why i do what i do for a living, my faith and what i want out of my life had been answered. i guess i always felt like my life was going to lead up to something big- like a good book or a good movie. ie. the protagonist goes through life and experiences some conflicts, but then bam something happens and like an illusion, his/her life begins to make sense and then everything works out. and here i am, day after day, wondering when my moment will come... when my answers will hit me. like my life would be a massive failure if it didn't have this pivotal point. but then i guess i started to realize... what if all that i've expected out of life, is happening right now and i'm waiting for nothing.

i think donald summed it up just perfectly towards the end of his book:

"life is not a story about me, but it is being told to me... months ago i would have told you life was about doing, about jumping through religious hoops, about impressing other people, and my actions would have told you this is done by buying possessions or keeping a good image or going to church. i don't believe that anymore. i think we are supposed to stand in deserts and marvel at how the sun rises. i think we are supposed to sleep in meadows and watch stars dart across space and time. i think we are supposed to love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calimg why of life... i will sleep beneath the stars and whisper thank you to the Creator of the universe, as a way of reacquainting myself to an old friend, a friend who says you don't have to be smart or good-looking or religious or antyhing; you just have to cling to Him, love Him, need Him, listen to His story."

simple.

simple...

i'm tired of trying to tell my own story.




sleeping at last- naive

because shadows stretch behind the truth,
where stained glass offers broken clues
and fear ties knots and pulls them tight.
it leaves us paralyzed.

but in the end such tired words will rest.
the truth will reroute the narrow things they've said.
the marionette strings will lower and untie
and out of the ashes, love will be realized.

God knows that we've been naive
and a bit nearsighted to say the least.
it's broken glass at children's feet
that gets swept aside unexpectedly.

im feeling blue...
and im clinging to hope.